The Drama continues

Hello Everyone,

I got a comment on one of my other blogs from Melissa who missed my vagina...drama. So, this one is dedicated to Melissa who's vagina probably has better manners than mine (one can hope).

So, I know you're wondering. What has Nikki's vagina been up to? You know, I really thought that I had my body fooled. I kept telling myself I was 30 every year and I thought my body was playing along. I ignored the little aches and pain and my bodies pathetic attempt to generate gray hairs. I have a lot of things to sue my family over but thank God aging is not one of them. I'm still going to sue my parents and grandma for genetic cruelty. It must be done. Someone has to pay for humongous feet and boobs, my obesity gene, and my effin vagina. You're going down grandma. I don't care if you're blind now. It's the principle. Anyway, I digress. I believe I was talking about my Dorian Gray vagina (I wish!). I'm sure when Oscar Wilde was writing The Pictures of Dorian Gray, he secretly hoped that one day it would be featured in a vagina blog. Oscar, I'm happy to make your dream come true; rest in peace. The problem here is that clearly my vagina did not read that book. It was too busy trying to make me suffer to catch up on any classics. So what am I whining about now? One big fat, too effin long, freaking word. Perimenopause. Yes ladies, I have been introduced to the never pleasant but always present hot flash. I'm really not sure why they call it a flash. When I think of flash AH AHHHHH (Dolph looked pretty cute in those tights, to bad he's an ass in person), I think of something that happens and quickly goes away (unlike teenagers or Kim Kardashian). Either it was a man, or some dainty bitch back in the 1800's who was trying to downplay the fire burning throughout her body. I'm sure the conversation went something like this:

"Honey, are you alright?" Edgar says curiously. "Yes, my dear." Lavenia attempts to smile. "Why do you ask?" Edgar searches for the right words, "Well, you look a little hot." Knowing that Edgar couldn't possibly mean he was ready to ravish her (since it had been years since he tried). She replies, "Oh no dear, I'm fine. Really, I'm just a little warm." Edgar stops reading the paper. "Lavenia, if I could wring you out right now, I wouldn't have to go to the well for a whole week." "Oh stop it." Lavenia tries not to laugh so she doesn't perspire more. "It's just a little old hot flash that's all". Bitch. As God is my witness, I will hunt your offspring down and...... Sorry, got sidetracked. It's hard to concentrate when you're BURNING ALIVE. Seriously, it's a slow burn. I play musical covers at night. I'm too hot. Then, I'm too cold. Then, I'm too hot. It's driving me mad. Thank God my husband can sleep through earthquakes and natural disasters. Otherwise, he would have tried (I emphasize tried)to toss me to the couch. My vagina has become a volcano. God help all of you who are in her path when she erupts.

Peace out for now, and may your vagina not be anything like mine.