Vaginal F&%$*#& Drama

This is for all of the girls out there with Vaginal Effin Drama. Is your vagina giving you trouble and you need a place to vent? Well this is the place to let out all of your vagina anger. Do you know someone who has a perfect vagina and never has problems? This is the place to talk about them.

I'll get things started. Here is Part I.

A Vaginal History

First, I have never given birth. Nothing that big is coming out of my vagina. It's just not happening. The thought makes me squeamish. It's a rather disgusting process and even though I have 3 beautiful neices and a nephew, I never really want to know how they got here and what they did to my sisters vajayjays. TMI. Keep that "insert expletive" to yourself. As far as I know, my sisters showed up at the hospital and that miracle of life just popped out nice and bathed with perfect shaped heads and their poor stretched out vaginas immediately went back to normal size. That's all I need to know. Most of you mothers out there lie about the whole process anyway like you are all in a secret cult because if you told the truth, most women would say Hell No to the whole thing. Talk about false advertisement. Maybe you are all the true evil; not my vagina. But, I digress.

Second, I was one of those perfect vagina people. I grew up with no PMS, no cramps, light periods; my vagina was the essence of perfection.

Somehow, everything has gone total wrong. I'm not sure if it was kidnapped and replaced with this new evil vagina and it's making up for lost time. But, something just went horribly bad. I know you are sitting there thinking, I hate her lost vagina. I know.......I understand your hate. I'll just blame my husband whom I also think injects me with fat while I'm sleeping so other men will not look at me. But, that's another blog. My vagina is now just as pathetic as yours so you can't turn on me. Get a grip!

Where was I? Oh, it all started with that stupid Depo shot. My husband would not get snipped (wuss). I even threatened to do it myself. I had some glow in the dark Spongebob bandaids, some peroxide, and snippers. Nothing would make him part with his poisonous baby sperm. I even agreed to let him have a stupid tattoo. Seriously, I was desperate to not get belly stretch marks and labor pains. After all I have done to my body to stop the reproductive process, he can't suck it up one time and get snipped.....GRRRRR. Anyway, I listened to my evil sister who refuses to get pregnant herself (I have disowned her in my will), and the girl I sit next to at work (you know who you are), and got the depo shot. I only got the shot twice but I gained 30 lbs in 3 months (oh joy - thanks for giving) and my hair was falling out among other bad things. I felt like I had injected poison into my body. I would personally like to know who invented that evil shot. It's probably the same person that stole my perfectly good, slightly used (cough), vagina. It's also probably the same person that invented the mammogram smush ur boobs in a vice machine (that's another blog too).

I didn't get my period for almost a 1 1/2 years after that. I admit, the lack of hemorrhaging was really really nice. I got to live like a man for 1 1/2 years and honestly it was good. It was like being in some kind of ignorant bliss haze. There was laughter, no cramps, and a decreased sense of taking responsibility for anything. That may have been the best 1 1/2 of my life. And then...the demon returned and hell hath no fury like ovaries that hath been scorned.

I'll stop there. I know...you're completely hooked on my effin vagina drama. You just can't get enough. Relax, I'll continue the story in a few weeks. Until then, feel free to comment about your vaginal drama or talk about someone who has none. I'm gonna go make my husband feel bad about not getting snipped. Don't feel bad for him. He earned it. Vagina out.