Yeah Yeah Yeah.....I've been MIA......talk to the Vagina

I know.....I suck. I've been totally pre-occupied by my nail blog. It might seem superficial but you can't whine about your vagina every day.

I am going to break from the vaginal drama this week to discuss boob drama.

I had a mammogram in this interim vaginal down time. Yes, let's all have a moment of silence for my guargantuan boobs. Cause I know you can feel my pain. I mean seriously, who was the ass that invented that freaking smushing xray machine? I just had to stop and google and too my surprise, it's 2 men that invented it. Patrick Panetta and Jack Wennet to be exact. So, now you all know who to target in your next voodoo doll ritual. They must be single....Wouldn't that be a complete deal breaker for you? What do you do? Oh, I um invented the mammogram machine (whole restaurant is silent....waiter pages from desk....call security..these women in here look mad cow crazy). A man could get seriously hurt for admitting that.

What did women do to them that they thought the most affective way to detect breast cancer was to painfully smush breasts in a machine in agonizing positions, while giving out a very high dosage of radiation? Seriously, whatever she did to you, I apologize on her behalf. I'm just gonna say...she was a bitch and I'd like to make it up to you. Just take it back and make something else.

I don't see these men developing penis smushing devices. Maybe, that should now be a part of a man's yearly physical. Please place your penis on the table. I'm going to crank a piece of plastic down, making sure I pinch another part of your skin, until the machine won't go down anymore and you have tears in your eyes. Then I'm going to take my time and walk back to the booth; hold your breath.... Oh darn, I didn't get it right. Let me uncrank and re-position you. You just can't make this stuff up.

Since God got overzealous with my boob dna, I always either have to take extra pictures cause they can't fit it on there or they can't position it right. Either way, it ends in a lot of pain. The last words you want to hear during a mammogram is, well, if I can't get it right this time, I will call for backup. WTF. What is that? Attention....staff to room 10.....um we have a situation Triple G (code for big ass boobs)....any attendant who is free and can lift 20 lbs, please come to room 10. I repeat...we have a situation in room 10. I'm losing it in here. I just can't deal with this kind of pressure.. there are boobs everywhere.

My poor girls were traumatized. No amount of ice cream made up for it and since I'm writing about it they are having PTS. And another thing....smushing...really? Ok, gravity is bad enough but I really don't need mechanical help to reach the floor.

The whole gyno community is all about smushing, sticking horrible objects where they shouldn't go; it's all based on pain. And who are these people who choose this for their life work? Ok, I need a drink now. I must stop before I have too many flashbacks and need a therapist. But, I am arranging a million woman penis smushing machine (WPSM) walk in Washington DC this summer. The money for the machine can be included in the Obamacare bill and Obama and all the male senators are going to be it's first victims cause we don't want their wittle penises falling off because of cancer now do we? Wusses....

P.S. Google Breast Thermography. It's an alternative to the mammogram. http://www.examiner.com/x-17146-Dallas-Womens-Health-Examiner~y2009m7d15-Should-women-replace-Mammagrophay-with-Breast-Thermography